Bookends
A History of Twentieth-Century Literature in One Mad Libs Booklet!
By Rebekah Frumkin
Dorothy Parker’s “A Day at the Zoo”
At (time of day) 3:45 a.m., Billy’s father decided to take Billy to the zoo. It was (adjective) tipsy out, so Billy had to wear a (noun) whore to keep warm. Getting there was hard, because there were so many (two nouns, plural) highballs and dignified men in the road, but Billy was (adjective) in high spirits when they finally arrived.
“Look at all the (two adjectives) quixotic and disoriented animals!” Billy said to his father.
“Yes, son. They’re all very (adjective) decadent,” his father said (adverb) blithely.
“Do you think we can (verb) manipulate the (noun, animal) Herbert Hoover?” Billy asked.
“We’ll see, son,” his father said (adverb) scornfully.
They arrived at a cage containing a (two adjectives) dapper and clueless (noun, animal) Calvin Coolidge all the way from Mozambique! Suddenly, the Calvin Coolidge began to (verb) socialize! Billy was very (adjective) disaffected.
“No need to feel (adjective) warmongering, son,” Billy’s father said. “It’s perfectly (adjective) youthful. It’s in a cage.”
“What a (adjective) vindictive time I’ve had at the (noun) sexual liberation today!” Billy said as they turned to leave.
“Me too, son,” his father agreed (adverb) pathetically.
Franz Kafka’s “A Night on the Town”
Every weekend, I like to (verb) decry this system of justice before going out on the town. It’s important to look your (adjective, superlative) most mollified so none of your friends will be (adjective) dead to be seen with you!
Once I’m done (verb, progressive) arresting myself for the big night out, I call up my friends: (two names) K. and Frau Grubach. They (verb) vomit over to my (noun) bureaucracy in their new car and pick me up. Then we head over to the (noun, place) desolate wasteland and go shopping.
Last Saturday, I bought (noun) a tyrannical man, not inconsiderable in height, wearing an outfit that resembled a traveling suit, with pleats, pockets, and buttons everywhere, into which he must have stuffed the useless instruments of his tyranny. I was very (adjective) distressed with my purchase. K. and Frau Grubach were (adjective) nauseated with their purchases as well.
After that, it was time for a movie. We went to see “The (noun, plural) Proletariats of the (noun, proper) Giant Death Machine .” When we saw it on the marquee, it seemed like a (adjective) powerless choice, but in the theater it was really (adjective) disappointing. We all agreed to (verb) execute it to our friends.
Finally, we stopped at our (adjective) coronary restaurant. The food was (two adjectives) consumptive and hopelessly mad. I got the (noun) ennui, and K. and Frau Grubach got the (noun) byzantine judicial process.
After that, it was time to say goodnight. We (verb, past tense) died, said our goodbyes, and went back to our (noun, plural) cockroaches.
Ernest Hemingway’s “Planting a Garden”
Mrs. (name) Jones wanted to (verb, past tense) fight a garden. So she went to the store and (verb, past tense) harassed some (noun, plural) boys. When she got home, she found she was (adjective) good to begin (verb, progressive) drinking her garden.
“I’m so (adjective) ________ about my garden!” Mrs. Jones said (adverb) _______. She went and got her (noun) fate from the (noun, proper) Spain and began (verb, progressive) fighting. “My garden will be the envy of all my (two nouns, plural) enemies and soldiers. It will be the most (adjective, superlative) good garden on the block!”
After several hours, Mrs. Jones decided she was done (verb, progressive) bullfighting and decided to start (verb, progressive) making love. By now, she was very (adjective)______.
“Oh, where did I put my (noun) woman?” she wondered (adverb)________.
She eventually (verb, past tense) fought it and began making love. The garden looked very (adjective) ______, but it was still not (adjective) ________. After many hours, she had finally (verb, past tense) shot all the (noun, plural) cervezas in her garden.
“It looks so (adjective)_______!” she exclaimed (adverb)_______. “What a (adjective) ______ garden!”
Vladimir Nabokov’s “A Very Special Gift”
For her sixth birthday, (name, female) Verna wanted a puppy. She had (verb, past tense) harangued her (adjective) palliative parents for one for the past (amount of time) moment, but with no (noun) copulation. She was (adjective) duly vexed on her birthday, as she was (adjective) solipsistic that she would finally get one.
At (time of day) -roseate dawn, she saw her father carrying a (noun) poltroon into the house.
“What is that (noun) anatomist you’re holding, Daddy? It looks (adjective) virile,” she said.
“It’s a surprise for your (noun) logorrhea tonight,” he said (adverb) churlishly.
“But I want to (verb) lust it now!” she said.
“Not until tonight,” her father (verb, past tense) intoned (adverb) jauntily.
Finally, it was time for Verna’s party. She opened all her (noun, plural) pseudolibidoes and was (adjective) feckless to find no puppy. Her mother served the (two nouns, plural) nymphettes and girleens, and Verna (verb) confessed them (adverb) languidly. Suddenly, her father produced the (adjective) un-Celtic surprise!
She (verb, past tense) idealized the gift. Sure enough, it was a puppy!
“Oh, what a (two adjectives) ignoble and oneiric gift!” she (verb, past tense) melted. “I will (verb) rue it always!”
An MFA Student’s “Going on Vacation”
Last year, our family decided to take a vacation in (noun, proper) Electra complex. We were excited to hear it was always (two adjectives) archetypal and skinny in Electra complex, and news of the (noun) unlikely romance sealed the deal: we were going.
First, we packed all our (noun, plural) childhood memories in our (noun, plural) embittered, alcoholic aunts. Then we made sure the house was (adjective) Cheeveresque before we left.
We (verb, past tense) speculated to the airport, from where we would (verb) write what you know to our destination. The plane food was very (two adjectives) licentious and unfaithful, but we didn’t mind because we knew we would be (verb, progressive) having an affair soon. After a long flight, we landed in the (adjective) sexually restrained airport.
The hotel was (adjective) Faulknerian, and our bellboy was particularly (adjective) postmodern. We spent the afternoon on the beach (verb, progressive) showing and not telling. The beach had lots of (two nouns, plural) far-too-tranquil suburbs and racism.
My favorite part of the trip was going (verb, progressive) violating and getting to see all the (noun) narcissism up close. The coolest thing was the (noun) ethnic dialogue! •
